Through the Storm: A Journey

Overcoming adversity and finding hope

It’s been a while, friend!

I wanted to pop in to give you an update on what’s been going on in my space. Hang tight because this story has some twists and turns.

At first, I felt ashamed to write about what I’ve experienced. Another part of me wanted to center my focus and pour all my energy into getting out of the mess I’d gotten myself into.

I will say that there have been dark moments, and when I say dark, I mean it was really dark. My coping mechanism was hyperfocusing on the day, and sometimes just getting through the day was way too much. I had to bring myself to being present in the moment.

The levels of anxiety and stress I experienced were so intense that my mind started responding by playing a classical symphony that I couldn’t get out of my head. It’s become less invasive now and is disappearing as I come closer to a space where I feel safe and capable to care for myself and my needs.

One thing I did at the onset, when I realized I’d gotten myself into this mess, was to write a list of goals while in the worst of it. I wrote out what I wanted, where I wanted to be, and how I’d never again allow myself to get into a space like this again.

I channeled all the anger, rage, shame, self-disappointment, and confidence I had in myself to create a path forward. I chipped at that block day in and day out. I learned something new. I read books, I took courses and passed them. I allowed my curiosity to guide me.

I cut myself off from my friends, family, and people who loved me. I had zero bandwidth to take on well-meaning advice, field questions, or talk about what was happening.

I was fragile and knew that I didn’t have time to break. I had to keep chipping.

So how did I get here and where is here?

I had a good life in Bali with about 7 months of finances to stay there and be okay. I also knew that I had to do something to generate income or my dream life was over.

Pair that with a newly rekindled relationship with my little sister, a cousin of mine wanting to see me, and my dear friends having their fairytale wedding in Jamaica. Oh, and let’s not forget the invite to see my little brother all dressed up at his mother's wedding, which I was also invited to.

I wanted to be there for everything and everyone, and while I was Bali good for 7 months or Vietnam good for a year, I knew that I could only last 5 days in Miami of all places.

I let my cousin know this, and she was sure that if I took and passed the insurance licensing exam, I’d be given a job by her friend who owned the insurance shop she worked at, and everything would be all gravy. I could go back to Bali with contract work, and while I was in the US, I could make some money.

We agreed that she wouldn’t tell the owner where I’d be living. Why? Because regardless of the logistical freedom of work, some of these bosses find themselves jealous that you’re working for them in some beautiful scenic place, living a better life than them, and they’re going home to what?

I passed the licensing exam and well, not before all hell broke loose. SMH.

She breached our agreement and told her boss. I knew at that very minute that I was done for, and I believe that that was her intention because my communication had been clear.

So at the last minute, I spent the last lump sum of money to go to Jamaica to be there to see my friends marry. I never spoke of my disposition, I enjoyed it, had fun, congratulated them, and left the next day to once again focus on my grind and figure out how to unravel some of the shambles that had become of my once magical existence.

I took a flight to Mexico try my hand at my dream business, and well, some folks who said they had the funds in the bank to pay turned up not having anything. Now we’re down a lot of prep work and financial investment after being practically begged to prematurely start.

I had an angel I’d met in Colombia, and we’d visited each other in Chiang Mai. I call her my fairy godmother. Well, she would send me $500-$1000’s of dollars so that I could stay afloat. All the while, my storage here that held everything that meant anything to me continued to have the price raised nearly every few months. Gauging a little?

Well, I lost that too.

After retreating to Mexico, I knew I needed to save whatever funds I had to exist, and I went to Tampa on New Year's Eve.

It wasn’t how I imagined spending my NYE or NYD. I was defeated but relentless to get it over with already.

For 6 months I lived in a room of which I wouldn’t leave but to grab $1 each food items and vitamins or go to dinner with a friend who was paying to get me out of that house. Any time other than that I was applying for jobs, interviewing, streamlining the process, iterating, and repeating.

I even took a role that paid an absurdly low amount in order to just leave. It turned out they wanted me to work onboarding for them 6 weeks before my contract began. LOL Can’t make this up.

They lied about the salary and offered me half of the lesser amount and I was so desperate I took it. I drew the line at working for free.

So I found myself in the loop of looking for work again.

Between dodging a 90-year-old man that told me repeatedly how sexy I looked daily. Sleeping during the day to avoid the disgust and working throughout the night so that I could run the hell out of there... I still told no one.

I blamed myself. I got myself into this situation. I trusted family and they’ve always failed me. This was all my fault and I needed to eat this humble pie.

I continued to work, take a Google Data Analytics class and complete it. Read books and learn new processes like beginning Python programming and so many other things.

By now, I can copy and paste information into a document when I’m prepping for an interview. I’ve gotten a load of job sites to look at and use to apply and get a response. I knew that every 20 applications would produce 1.5 new interviews. I was a machine.

I’d applied to get a SCORE mentorship for business and was awarded with a mentor for that portion of my life. I applied to get a tech mentorship with Microsoft and got it. I ripped up the pages of the first copy of my book that I hope to release before the end of this year and rewrote it telling the whole story. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I was on a mission.

I had no time to celebrate the mentors, the certificates, the books, the job offers. I needed to leave here and make sure I had a plan to never lose this big again.

June comes around and I peep my head out to my friends who were so patient with me not communicating back and I asked for help.

My friend said it was okay that I could stay at her home in WPB. I was happy about that because I knew I’d be safe there. I could go outside, take a walk and see the sun. More than anything I’d be surrounded by love.

At the same time she said yes, I got the job offer that fit my needs. Great company, amazing CEO and so far it’s been amazing. I’m so grateful.

It was everything I intended to get on my job search. I took a pay cut in salary but gained my logistical freedom. And that means the world to me.

I had to rewrite my plan where it came to work and finance.

I knew that when I arrived at my friends’ I would be out and about. I started peeking my head out on social media again.

I was able to meet some old friends and new ones.

I had an opportunity to see my Uncle who I love dearly.

I had one magical evening!

I’m now in another location that I don’t wish to disclose at this moment and maybe that’s why you should look out for the next time I write. But I will leave you with this lesson if you want it.

Sometimes we see a smile. Sometimes we see joy and sometimes it looks like peace to us. Sometimes our friends ask us for space and we take it personally. Sometimes we get a no where it seems like it was an easy yes. Nothing is really easy.

We never know the challenges that people we love and look up to are working through. We tend to project our experience onto others and take things personally but we don’t really know the full story and sometimes telling that story in the wrong moment can break a person in ways we couldn’t imagine.

I’m grateful for my friends who were there to listen when I needed to dump. I’m grateful for my friend who called to check on me when he knew about an event that was most likely impacting me at the time.

I’m grateful for all of the moments I’ve shared with the people who meant the most to me. I’m grateful to each and every person who showed up to share space in time with me.

In no way do I believe I’m a victim of these people or events. I believe that it was what I needed to be who and what I am in this moment.

I learned to put my energy and trust into things I can control. I learned that people are human and whether or not they intend to, they are fallible and that could be interpreted as letting you down. I learned that a leopard doesn’t change their stripes because you’ve healed and transformed.

I learned to go where the love is and water the plants that mean the most to you.

And most importantly of all, I’ve learned to own the love I have for another no matter how deep it is and not make them responsible for the love I have for them.

I learned that I know what I want and love deeply.

I learned that it’s okay to not be okay when you let something go.

I also learned that the universe is magical and it will give you glimpses of your hopes, dreams and it will challenge your growth by placing you in the same exact situations you’ve made poor decisions in, in the past.

Friends, I’m not completely out of it but I can see the light now. Its a bittersweet moment for me but I’m hopeful for what my future holds.

I hope this story helps someone who needs it.

With all of the love in my heart,

Shane